She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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