Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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