We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Randomize
