For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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