Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
