I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
