Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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