3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.