I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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