but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
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you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
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Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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