i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
