Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
