Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
