I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
