i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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