I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
