smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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