he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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