Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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