Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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