..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
