speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
