I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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