I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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