Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
where are you?
Hypothermia
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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