i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
