The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I touched a dick in church today
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
