My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
