making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize