Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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