so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
