Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
