I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
