Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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