we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!