Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
33 Sex Crazed People That Are Going Balls Deep
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
21 Family Members Confess The Creepiest Things They Know About a Relative
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.