the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
