Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
