I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
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I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
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Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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