I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
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i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
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I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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