You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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