Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
honey bunches of taint.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
