Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
