How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
