Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
