So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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