using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
