I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
