So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
