It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
