When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Randomize
