I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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