Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Watching her eat just hurts me
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Randomize
