mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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