Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
