Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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