Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
