he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
