My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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