So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
