He told me they were just razor bumps!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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