There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
